It was hitting me in waves yesterday - moments when I feel it like it was happening now, big wracking sobs and wet tears and a choking in my throat.
All triggered by an ad for the Gidget Foundation, where a new mum is sobbing on the kitchen floor while her baby is lying in the next room.
I was a young mum, and my early 20's were difficult. Unexpected pregnancy in another country, home and morning sickness, constantly being dependent on others for a bed and survival, having my boyfriend deploy to a war zone and then come back with undiagnosed PTSD and other issues. My own isolation in a city 3 hours from family with a newborn and postnatal depression. Relationship breakdowns, stress, fear, horrible arguments. Sleep and feeding issues. Extreme weight loss. Other things that aren't mine to share, but which had a massive impact on myself and my kids. Single parenting on a government pension.
I was stuck in survival mode for a very long time. I loved my babies, I loved my home, and I had great support networks. But there were absolutely times when I was sobbing uncontrollably on the floor while my kids were asleep in bed, and it was too late to call anyone. I felt so alone. I felt like it was all my fault. And in those moments when I wasn't coping there was no one there but me.
When there was someone else around, I often felt like I had to manage their emotions too - like it was my fault that the baby was crying and they were feeling triggered. So I would have to shove down my own panic, my own anxiety, overwhelm and exhaustion and try to soothe my child when I was massively heightened myself. The mother guilt I carried was enormous, and I would beat myself with it regularly.
I spent many years convincing myself that those times in my life ‘weren’t that bad’, ‘could have been worse’ or that ‘I should be grateful it’s not as bad as theirs’. Calling it ‘trauma’ felt almost fraudulent. In some ways, I gaslit myself. I excused other people's (and there were a few) toxic, manipulative or dangerous behaviours because the consequences I imagined if I called them on it were worse than me just 'dealing with it'. The result of NOT calling them on it was many years of anxiety, nervous system dysregulation for myself, my kids and other family and friends in the fall out zone. And all the while, I plastered on a smile, tried to find positivity and gratitude where I could and somehow held it all together.
Now I can see it for what it was. I appreciate the wisdom, the lessons, the growth that came from it. But it was HARD, and messy, and so freaking lonely. And I buried it deep - so deep I forgot it was there until I was fighting back tears watching the telly.
Life is different now. My two eldest are all grown up, and are beautiful adults. I'm married to a loving and supportive man, with another son who we all love to bits. We live in a lovely house in a gorgeous part of the world, with cows and frolicking lambs in the paddock, two happy dogs and a hundred projects on the go. I'm sitting in my art studio writing this, surrounded by paintings, plants and art supplies, essential oils and candles, and I'm so grateful.
It took a lot of inner work, learning and processing to get here. I've had to gradually give myself permission to stop the constant people pleasing, to stop being busy to feel worthy, to recognise that my value lies in who I am, not all the roles I perform for others. Lots of forgiving, lots of letting go of the all the pain I swallowed. This is why I do what I do - why I love to work with women who are struggling with their worth and identity, who sacrifice their own needs and happiness for their family. I've been there, I've experienced the damage both physical (the health journey is a whole other story for another time) and emotional that can come from these behaviours, and I'm here to show you another way. You don't need to do 20 years worth of learning and study like I did - but you can benefit from the wisdom I gained.
If you are ready to process something, and you need some support, reach out and we can chat about Belief Coding, or my Soul Creator Initiation package. And if you want to remind yourself of who you are under the moments that hurt you, then this may be the piece for you. Infused with Trauma Life and Release essential oil blends, and the following message:
Yes, it was trauma.
Yes, you survived.
But burying that pain has been exhausting.
It’s time to dig it up.
Stop denying her existence.
Give her now what she needed back then.
Forgive her for her choices.
Let the pain out.
Let the past go.
And love her through all of it.
All my love,
Nessa xxx
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